Life's Lessons

READ IT ALL;; it might just touch your ♥
(just a few things i've learned in my short 22yrs of life)

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be, but eventually i will get there. I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice, lots of practice. I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my mom/grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed it. I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't necessarily biological. I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life. I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control. I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are often taken from you too soon. I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meaning, it loses value when overly used. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

Making Plans

I thought a lot about it and i decided that i am just going to put aside my hatred for school, suck it up and go to nursing school. Most likely, i will go to school to get my LPN and then bridge over to the RN program. At least while i'm in school for my RN, i can get a job as an LPN and make more money than i am now as a CNA. Hopefully my 4 yrs of working at the hospital will make nursing school a little less difficult. Well, my girls week at the beach vacation starts on monday! Due to work, i will only be able to stay thurs-mon. That is still a nice mini vacayy! I am excited! I decided i want new bedroom furniture. I think i wanna buy it from Ikea. The new one in Ybor is HUGE! so here's what i think i want to buy:

(the dresser would be in the darker brown color too)

Thats all i have picked out so far. There furniture is pretty inexpensive, although it should be since you have to build it yourself. haha Well, i'm off to make some lunch. -Later

Sunshine through the clouds

A little update on my life:
So, things seem to be looking up for me and kyle. We are working on our relationship and improving a little each day. He helps me out around the house more, without me having to ask too! He shows appreciation for the things i do for him and the things i do around the house. I can tell he's really trying. :) I am working on not stressing so much over the little things, which makes things better for both of us. I tell him (more often) how i appreciate the little things he does for me. All in all, things are slowly but surely improving.
Work has been pretty good lately. Kinda slow actually. Are census is a little low but boy, it doesn't seem slow when i'm there running around like crazy! I haven't heard much of anything new about Miss Alyssa. Last i heard was she was still in the P.I.C.U and the family was preparing to take her home with hospice. :( I can't imagine making the decision to bring your child home to die. The whole thing is just so UNFAiR! When i went to visit her a few days ago in the PICU, she had this look of pain on her face. It's like she's not there but she's trying to show us she's in pain. It's heart wrenching. Uhgg.
In other news....summer is definitely in full swing. Sheesh, the temps have been close to 100 degrees during the day!I can't wait to go to the beach for my vacation. August 1st cannot come soon enough!
There must be something in the water because so may people i know are preggo. It's giving me baby fever! Some days i want a baby so bad i can't stand it, other days i think it might not be the right time. ::Sigh:: Oh well, i suppose it will happen when the time is right.
Well, that's enough for now. I'm going to fold my laundry and think about what I'm making for supper!
-Later

Leave you with a smile

So, i decided to take a break from blogging about the more serious, sad and depressing stuff and post something funny. If you have heard of Fmylife.com, then you will get these, if not, you are seriously missing out on a good laugh. These are a few submissions i picked at random after reading a bunch this morning. ENJOY!!

1. Today, i was walking by a bunch of pretty girls, I'm not the most attractive boy, so i walked by nervously. I heard one yell "Hey cutie!" I turned to look and they started laughing. She said, "Oh my God, sorry! I assumed you were cute from your butt!" Apparently my ass is nicer than my face. FML

2. Today, i finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so i thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML

3. Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

4. Today, i came home from work late (2:30am). As i snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiance half awake said, "No, no...Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML

5. Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with my because the love advice that she gets on her cell phone every week says that i'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and i was planning to propose next week. FML

okay, i have to stop now because otherwise this post would be two pages long. lol check out some others at fmylife.com.

Have a great day!

I feel

like i don't know who i am anymore. I feel like i'm not as happy as i could be. I'm surrounded by those who love me, and yet i feel so alone. Lately i have no idea who i'm supposed to be with or what i'm supposed to be doing in my life. I'm just...lost. I can't handle feeling this way. I don't know what i'm supposed to do to fix these feelings. I am scared to go to anyone with these feelings. But keeping them to myself makes me feel as if i'm slowly drowning. I've got to do something before i run out of air or i will end up drowning.

One step forward then two steps back...

So i was at work this afternoon when one of the nurses informed me that little Alyssa is back in the PICU. :( I was devastated. After her surgery to place the trach, she was doing pretty well. Now, not so much. Apparently she basically coded again for about 4 minutes, but they brought her back (again) and put her on the ventilator. So not only is she in the PICU, she is now not breathing on her own. It's just sooo unfair. She and her family don't deserve any of this pain at all. I know i'm not supposed to question God, but why? why is she suffering like this? If God wants to take her to heaven, he needs to just do it already. Some of the nurses have said they are afraid she's never going to wake up. I want to believe she will, but i fear the worst. I went to see her on my dinner break and had to leave after about a minute of being at her bedside. I felt the tears coming to my eyes and couldn't take it. She's lying there, so helpless, so lifeless. The lights may be on, but no one is home. Tests showed her brain activity has basically been reduced to nothing. What kind of quality of life will she have from this point on!? Honestly! How much more can her little body take? It will take a miracle to get her back. All i can do is pray. As if all the problems with Alyssa aren't enough, her mom tells me that they might not get the new house they need to bring Alyssa home. It makes me angry inside. This family deserves a freakin' break and they have had nothing but heartache and sorrow for the past 4months. I may not be able to offer much besides love and support. But i will give them all the love and support i have. I'll be praying everyday for Alyssa and her family. It's in God's hands now.

More often than not...

we take life for granted. We don't seem to realize how lucky we are. Working in healthcare and with children especially, I've seen some horribly sad things that make me realize just how lucky i am. People don't realize how lucky they are to have normal, healthy children. Some of my chronic patients or "frequent flyers" as we call them, spend much of their time in the hospital. As healthcare workers, we become their second family. It's sad. They come in, we do what we can to make them better (for the time being) and send them home hoping they won't come back too soon. But, most of them are only home for a short while before they are back with us at their "other home". After Jacob died, i've done my best not to get too close with my chronic patients and their familes. I guess it's my weakness, because i always end up developing a close realationship with them reguardless of the pain i might suffer if we lose them due to an illness. There are a few patients and their families i have become very close with. So much so that they pull on my heart strings from time to time. Little Alyssa is one of my favorites. Only months ago, she was a normal little girl aside from her kidney problems. We would see her a few times a year when she was admitted for nephrotic syndrome. she would stay for a short while and go back home again. Recently, she underwent surgery for a bilateral kidney removal. right before surgery they discovered her heart was having to work overtime to make up for her kidneys. It was weakening her heart too much and they decided to postpone the surgery for a while. The doctors did what they could to fix the problems with her heart and she started to show some signs of improvement. Soon after, they decided to go on with the surgery reguardless of the issues with her heart because it was either leave in the kidneys and let the heart suffer or risk doing the surgery so the dead kidneys could come out and she could start dialysis. They took her to the OR. It was expected to go well. Soon after they administered the anesthesia and intubated her, she coded. She coded for 23 long minutes. Her heart had stopped. Although she was vented, her brain wasn't getting sufficient oxygen for those 23 minutes. When they finally brought her back, they decided to not do the surgery for fear she would code again and not wake up. What had gone wrong?! They assumed her heart had not been strong enough. Ultimately, they discovered she was allergic to the anesthesia but her weakening heart didn't help either. We all feared the worst. No one knew how bad the brain damage would be. When we were finally able to see her mom and dad, we huddled around them and all shared a few tears and prayers. It was heartwrenching. That was about two months ago. To this day, she is not awake. :( Her eyes will open but she is not 'awake, alert'. Caring for her breaks my heart to pieces. Knowing what she used to be like and seeing how she is now, it's almost unbearable. I can't imagine being a parent in that situation. One minute your child is 'normal', maybe with only a slight health problem, maybe with none at all. Then, in the blink of an eye, they are in a sort of vegitative state. Alyssa now has a trach (tube in her airway) to help her breathe and her neurological damage has caused her to posture (rigid extension of the arms and legs, rigidity, flexion of the arms, clenched fists, severe arching of the back with the head thrown backwards). It's sad to see. After much convincing, her parents still refused to sign a DNR. They wont give up on their little girl. They have so much hope. I have hope for little Alyssa. Sadly, working in this profession, we see the difference in having hope and facing reality more than others do. I dont want to give up hope. I also know there is not much quality of life for this little girl in her current state. Seeing things like this daily has made me realize how fortunate i have been in my life. I have learned to embrace life and be thankful for every moment i am given. All too quickly it can be gone. I've decided i'll have no regrets. And if i could only accomplish one thing in my time here on this earth, it would be to make a difference in someone elses life.
Don't take life for granted. Be thankful, for everyday. Tell those you love just how much you love them.