Sunshine through the clouds

A little update on my life:
So, things seem to be looking up for me and kyle. We are working on our relationship and improving a little each day. He helps me out around the house more, without me having to ask too! He shows appreciation for the things i do for him and the things i do around the house. I can tell he's really trying. :) I am working on not stressing so much over the little things, which makes things better for both of us. I tell him (more often) how i appreciate the little things he does for me. All in all, things are slowly but surely improving.
Work has been pretty good lately. Kinda slow actually. Are census is a little low but boy, it doesn't seem slow when i'm there running around like crazy! I haven't heard much of anything new about Miss Alyssa. Last i heard was she was still in the P.I.C.U and the family was preparing to take her home with hospice. :( I can't imagine making the decision to bring your child home to die. The whole thing is just so UNFAiR! When i went to visit her a few days ago in the PICU, she had this look of pain on her face. It's like she's not there but she's trying to show us she's in pain. It's heart wrenching. Uhgg.
In other news....summer is definitely in full swing. Sheesh, the temps have been close to 100 degrees during the day!I can't wait to go to the beach for my vacation. August 1st cannot come soon enough!
There must be something in the water because so may people i know are preggo. It's giving me baby fever! Some days i want a baby so bad i can't stand it, other days i think it might not be the right time. ::Sigh:: Oh well, i suppose it will happen when the time is right.
Well, that's enough for now. I'm going to fold my laundry and think about what I'm making for supper!
-Later

Leave you with a smile

So, i decided to take a break from blogging about the more serious, sad and depressing stuff and post something funny. If you have heard of Fmylife.com, then you will get these, if not, you are seriously missing out on a good laugh. These are a few submissions i picked at random after reading a bunch this morning. ENJOY!!

1. Today, i was walking by a bunch of pretty girls, I'm not the most attractive boy, so i walked by nervously. I heard one yell "Hey cutie!" I turned to look and they started laughing. She said, "Oh my God, sorry! I assumed you were cute from your butt!" Apparently my ass is nicer than my face. FML

2. Today, i finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so i thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML

3. Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

4. Today, i came home from work late (2:30am). As i snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiance half awake said, "No, no...Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML

5. Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with my because the love advice that she gets on her cell phone every week says that i'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and i was planning to propose next week. FML

okay, i have to stop now because otherwise this post would be two pages long. lol check out some others at fmylife.com.

Have a great day!

I feel

like i don't know who i am anymore. I feel like i'm not as happy as i could be. I'm surrounded by those who love me, and yet i feel so alone. Lately i have no idea who i'm supposed to be with or what i'm supposed to be doing in my life. I'm just...lost. I can't handle feeling this way. I don't know what i'm supposed to do to fix these feelings. I am scared to go to anyone with these feelings. But keeping them to myself makes me feel as if i'm slowly drowning. I've got to do something before i run out of air or i will end up drowning.

One step forward then two steps back...

So i was at work this afternoon when one of the nurses informed me that little Alyssa is back in the PICU. :( I was devastated. After her surgery to place the trach, she was doing pretty well. Now, not so much. Apparently she basically coded again for about 4 minutes, but they brought her back (again) and put her on the ventilator. So not only is she in the PICU, she is now not breathing on her own. It's just sooo unfair. She and her family don't deserve any of this pain at all. I know i'm not supposed to question God, but why? why is she suffering like this? If God wants to take her to heaven, he needs to just do it already. Some of the nurses have said they are afraid she's never going to wake up. I want to believe she will, but i fear the worst. I went to see her on my dinner break and had to leave after about a minute of being at her bedside. I felt the tears coming to my eyes and couldn't take it. She's lying there, so helpless, so lifeless. The lights may be on, but no one is home. Tests showed her brain activity has basically been reduced to nothing. What kind of quality of life will she have from this point on!? Honestly! How much more can her little body take? It will take a miracle to get her back. All i can do is pray. As if all the problems with Alyssa aren't enough, her mom tells me that they might not get the new house they need to bring Alyssa home. It makes me angry inside. This family deserves a freakin' break and they have had nothing but heartache and sorrow for the past 4months. I may not be able to offer much besides love and support. But i will give them all the love and support i have. I'll be praying everyday for Alyssa and her family. It's in God's hands now.

More often than not...

we take life for granted. We don't seem to realize how lucky we are. Working in healthcare and with children especially, I've seen some horribly sad things that make me realize just how lucky i am. People don't realize how lucky they are to have normal, healthy children. Some of my chronic patients or "frequent flyers" as we call them, spend much of their time in the hospital. As healthcare workers, we become their second family. It's sad. They come in, we do what we can to make them better (for the time being) and send them home hoping they won't come back too soon. But, most of them are only home for a short while before they are back with us at their "other home". After Jacob died, i've done my best not to get too close with my chronic patients and their familes. I guess it's my weakness, because i always end up developing a close realationship with them reguardless of the pain i might suffer if we lose them due to an illness. There are a few patients and their families i have become very close with. So much so that they pull on my heart strings from time to time. Little Alyssa is one of my favorites. Only months ago, she was a normal little girl aside from her kidney problems. We would see her a few times a year when she was admitted for nephrotic syndrome. she would stay for a short while and go back home again. Recently, she underwent surgery for a bilateral kidney removal. right before surgery they discovered her heart was having to work overtime to make up for her kidneys. It was weakening her heart too much and they decided to postpone the surgery for a while. The doctors did what they could to fix the problems with her heart and she started to show some signs of improvement. Soon after, they decided to go on with the surgery reguardless of the issues with her heart because it was either leave in the kidneys and let the heart suffer or risk doing the surgery so the dead kidneys could come out and she could start dialysis. They took her to the OR. It was expected to go well. Soon after they administered the anesthesia and intubated her, she coded. She coded for 23 long minutes. Her heart had stopped. Although she was vented, her brain wasn't getting sufficient oxygen for those 23 minutes. When they finally brought her back, they decided to not do the surgery for fear she would code again and not wake up. What had gone wrong?! They assumed her heart had not been strong enough. Ultimately, they discovered she was allergic to the anesthesia but her weakening heart didn't help either. We all feared the worst. No one knew how bad the brain damage would be. When we were finally able to see her mom and dad, we huddled around them and all shared a few tears and prayers. It was heartwrenching. That was about two months ago. To this day, she is not awake. :( Her eyes will open but she is not 'awake, alert'. Caring for her breaks my heart to pieces. Knowing what she used to be like and seeing how she is now, it's almost unbearable. I can't imagine being a parent in that situation. One minute your child is 'normal', maybe with only a slight health problem, maybe with none at all. Then, in the blink of an eye, they are in a sort of vegitative state. Alyssa now has a trach (tube in her airway) to help her breathe and her neurological damage has caused her to posture (rigid extension of the arms and legs, rigidity, flexion of the arms, clenched fists, severe arching of the back with the head thrown backwards). It's sad to see. After much convincing, her parents still refused to sign a DNR. They wont give up on their little girl. They have so much hope. I have hope for little Alyssa. Sadly, working in this profession, we see the difference in having hope and facing reality more than others do. I dont want to give up hope. I also know there is not much quality of life for this little girl in her current state. Seeing things like this daily has made me realize how fortunate i have been in my life. I have learned to embrace life and be thankful for every moment i am given. All too quickly it can be gone. I've decided i'll have no regrets. And if i could only accomplish one thing in my time here on this earth, it would be to make a difference in someone elses life.
Don't take life for granted. Be thankful, for everyday. Tell those you love just how much you love them.

In Honor of the "Blonde Bombshell".

Today would have been Marilyn Monroe's 83rd birthday. I would have loved to have met her, to have studied her or even just have been a fly on the wall in her world. It would have been interesting to know her during her younger years before she died. I often think of how fun it would be to have lived 'back then' during the 50's. The world was quite different. It seems to me that each year that passes, the world goes a little more downhill. From what i have read and learned about her, she seemed to have been quite lonely reguardless of all the people and fame constantly surrounding her. She was looking for love in any man that would acknowledge her. I doubt she truly loved each of the men she married and i doubt they truly loved her. I think there was a great lack of love in her life as a child, so she made a career for herself to fulfill that void. She "just wanted to be wonderful". She became one of the world's most famous sex symbol's.

In Loving Memory

6/1/26-8/5/62

♥