Friday, September 11, 2009
Fear
Tonight, all of a sudden it hit me. Maybe its hormones or something but all at once i felt like my fear and uncertainty of the future hit me like a ton of bricks. After kyle went to bed, i went to take a shower. As i started the water and got in, i felt my eyes fill with tears and my heart drop. I sat under the water and cried quietly and uncontrollably. I felt like i couldn't catch my breath or stop crying no matter how hard i tried. I think all this talk lately of the future has got me overwhelmed and stressed. I'm scared, about many things. Kyle and i will be engaged before the new year, there is talk of planning a wedding. How will we afford a wedding? we want a baby. Can we afford a child? what about a new place to live? Our current lease is up in December and we can't afford much higher than our current rent but we need more space. What about school? An education costs money too. It seems the only thing i am sure of anymore is kyle and i. If he doesn't get his raise by the end of the year, how will we afford a bigger place, and a wedding and a baby?! I have never been one who is all about money. I am just fine with the simple things and i have been raised to work hard for what i want/need. Despite those values, I'm terrified of the future, and of the unknown. Will we be okay? I always try to be the strong one and i usually hide my fears, anxiety, etc. But everyone has a breaking point. I just want someone to hold me and assure me it will all be okay. I don't want to go to kyle with these worries, he has enough on his mind. I know he has the same worries, but i don't want to pile my worries/fears onto him when he has enough to worry about. I love him so very much. I need some guidance, reassurance, advice, something......
Friday, September 4, 2009
Unimaginable
Yesterday at work i went over to the Pedi ICU to help out and as i walked in, they were coding a 1month old baby boy. It was so sad to watch. His lifeless, little body was laying in the isolet and the nurses were doing compressions and getting the code cart. After about 30mins, they stabilized him. They had an echo-tech come and do a ECG on the baby's heart and in the middle of the scan, they baby starts coding again. The echo-tech said he wasn't 100% sure but it looked like the baby didn't have a tricuspid valve. That is an essential part of the heart and I'm unsure how the baby lived a month without any other problems. The baby was originally brought in for a rule-out sepsis diagnosis, so the docs had no idea that the major problem was his little heart. anyhow, after coding him for the second time for about 20mins, they decided to bring in the defibrillator and shock him. i had never seen them shock a person using the defibrillator, and i had to see them shock the baby. His lifeless little body jumped as they shocked him. One of the nurses comes over and asks me to console the family and explain to them whats going on. That was not easy. I sat them down and explained that the doctors were going to try and shock the baby's heart to get it to start beating again. The parents sat outside of the room watching the doctors work on the baby as i tried to keep them calm. The mother was hysterical, the father was watching with bloodshot, teary eyes trying to comfort his wife. The doctor came out to tell the family that if the next shock was unsuccessful that there wasn't much more they could do. I felt my heart jump up into my throat and tears gather in my eyes. Another 10mins passed and that was it; They had called it, the time of death. The mom lost it. As i helped lead them out into the conference room, the nurses started to clean up the room and the baby so the family could come hold him one last time. The nurses worked diligently with tears in their eyes. I stood there in shock. I walked in the room and help the nurse make a bereavement kit for the family. In the kit we give the family a clay footprint of the baby, a lock of hair, the gown the baby was dressed in and a few other things. I felt numb as i picked up the baby's cold, lifeless little leg and pressed his foot to the clay. After the imprint of his little foot was done, i wrapped him up so the family could come in and say their good byes. It was devastating. I went downstairs for my break and just cried. :( i cant imagine being a mother, carrying a baby for 9months, taking your baby home, bringing your baby back to the hospital and then leaving without him/her. That has to be the most terrible feeling in the world. My heart broke for that family.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
My latest Etsy purchase
was this cute, fun, handmade bag! i love it! i wish i was talented enough and had the spare time to create cute things like that. Lately, i have been obsessed with HGTV and Better Homes & Gardens magazines. This new obsession caused me to re-arrange my living room this morning. Kyle has yet to see our new living room and will be quite surprised when he comes home tonight. hehe Our apartment is small but works just fine for a first place. Since our lease is up by the end of the year, we are looking for a bigger space. I want at least 2 bedrooms. I would be satisfied with a bigger, newer apartment but what i really want is a house. I want something i can decorate and paint and make my own. With the costs of renting an apartment so high, it almost seems more reasonable to buy a house. So we are looking around to try and find something we like and that stays within our budget. Let the search begin! Well, thats all for now. Until my next blog, Ciao!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Life's Lessons
READ IT ALL;; it might just touch your ♥
(just a few things i've learned in my short 22yrs of life)
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be, but eventually i will get there. I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice, lots of practice. I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my mom/grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed it. I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't necessarily biological. I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life. I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control. I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are often taken from you too soon. I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meaning, it loses value when overly used. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
(just a few things i've learned in my short 22yrs of life)
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be, but eventually i will get there. I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice, lots of practice. I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my mom/grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed it. I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't necessarily biological. I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life. I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control. I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are often taken from you too soon. I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meaning, it loses value when overly used. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Making Plans
I thought a lot about it and i decided that i am just going to put aside my hatred for school, suck it up and go to nursing school. Most likely, i will go to school to get my LPN and then bridge over to the RN program. At least while i'm in school for my RN, i can get a job as an LPN and make more money than i am now as a CNA. Hopefully my 4 yrs of working at the hospital will make nursing school a little less difficult. Well, my girls week at the beach vacation starts on monday! Due to work, i will only be able to stay thurs-mon. That is still a nice mini vacayy! I am excited! I decided i want new bedroom furniture. I think i wanna buy it from Ikea. The new one in Ybor is HUGE! so here's what i think i want to buy: 
(the dresser would be in the darker brown color too)
Thats all i have picked out so far. There furniture is pretty inexpensive, although it should be since you have to build it yourself. haha Well, i'm off to make some lunch. -Later
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Sunshine through the clouds
A little update on my life:
So, things seem to be looking up for me and kyle. We are working on our relationship and improving a little each day. He helps me out around the house more, without me having to ask too! He shows appreciation for the things i do for him and the things i do around the house. I can tell he's really trying. :) I am working on not stressing so much over the little things, which makes things better for both of us. I tell him (more often) how i appreciate the little things he does for me. All in all, things are slowly but surely improving.
Work has been pretty good lately. Kinda slow actually. Are census is a little low but boy, it doesn't seem slow when i'm there running around like crazy! I haven't heard much of anything new about Miss Alyssa. Last i heard was she was still in the P.I.C.U and the family was preparing to take her home with hospice. :( I can't imagine making the decision to bring your child home to die. The whole thing is just so UNFAiR! When i went to visit her a few days ago in the PICU, she had this look of pain on her face. It's like she's not there but she's trying to show us she's in pain. It's heart wrenching. Uhgg.
In other news....summer is definitely in full swing. Sheesh, the temps have been close to 100 degrees during the day!I can't wait to go to the beach for my vacation. August 1st cannot come soon enough!
There must be something in the water because so may people i know are preggo. It's giving me baby fever! Some days i want a baby so bad i can't stand it, other days i think it might not be the right time. ::Sigh:: Oh well, i suppose it will happen when the time is right.
Well, that's enough for now. I'm going to fold my laundry and think about what I'm making for supper!
-Later
So, things seem to be looking up for me and kyle. We are working on our relationship and improving a little each day. He helps me out around the house more, without me having to ask too! He shows appreciation for the things i do for him and the things i do around the house. I can tell he's really trying. :) I am working on not stressing so much over the little things, which makes things better for both of us. I tell him (more often) how i appreciate the little things he does for me. All in all, things are slowly but surely improving.
Work has been pretty good lately. Kinda slow actually. Are census is a little low but boy, it doesn't seem slow when i'm there running around like crazy! I haven't heard much of anything new about Miss Alyssa. Last i heard was she was still in the P.I.C.U and the family was preparing to take her home with hospice. :( I can't imagine making the decision to bring your child home to die. The whole thing is just so UNFAiR! When i went to visit her a few days ago in the PICU, she had this look of pain on her face. It's like she's not there but she's trying to show us she's in pain. It's heart wrenching. Uhgg.
In other news....summer is definitely in full swing. Sheesh, the temps have been close to 100 degrees during the day!I can't wait to go to the beach for my vacation. August 1st cannot come soon enough!
There must be something in the water because so may people i know are preggo. It's giving me baby fever! Some days i want a baby so bad i can't stand it, other days i think it might not be the right time. ::Sigh:: Oh well, i suppose it will happen when the time is right.
Well, that's enough for now. I'm going to fold my laundry and think about what I'm making for supper!
-Later
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Leave you with a smile
So, i decided to take a break from blogging about the more serious, sad and depressing stuff and post something funny. If you have heard of Fmylife.com, then you will get these, if not, you are seriously missing out on a good laugh. These are a few submissions i picked at random after reading a bunch this morning. ENJOY!!
1. Today, i was walking by a bunch of pretty girls, I'm not the most attractive boy, so i walked by nervously. I heard one yell "Hey cutie!" I turned to look and they started laughing. She said, "Oh my God, sorry! I assumed you were cute from your butt!" Apparently my ass is nicer than my face. FML
2. Today, i finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so i thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML
3. Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML
4. Today, i came home from work late (2:30am). As i snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiance half awake said, "No, no...Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML
5. Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with my because the love advice that she gets on her cell phone every week says that i'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and i was planning to propose next week. FML
okay, i have to stop now because otherwise this post would be two pages long. lol check out some others at fmylife.com.
Have a great day!
1. Today, i was walking by a bunch of pretty girls, I'm not the most attractive boy, so i walked by nervously. I heard one yell "Hey cutie!" I turned to look and they started laughing. She said, "Oh my God, sorry! I assumed you were cute from your butt!" Apparently my ass is nicer than my face. FML
2. Today, i finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so i thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML
3. Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML
4. Today, i came home from work late (2:30am). As i snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiance half awake said, "No, no...Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML
5. Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with my because the love advice that she gets on her cell phone every week says that i'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and i was planning to propose next week. FML
okay, i have to stop now because otherwise this post would be two pages long. lol check out some others at fmylife.com.
Have a great day!
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