It's been a while...

So it has been almost a month since my last post. Life is about the same, I'd say. Work is the same, except for the fact that starting in December, i will be working night shift at work on my scheduled weekends. yay! night shift is soo much better than the evening shift i work now. the people are better and willing to help out more. i am not as tired during nightshift as i am working 3-11. it just seems to work better for me this way. kyle started a new job tonight working security at Taiga on the wknds. We wont see eachother much but we need the money and what else is new?! lol I am going on Monday to (hopefully) register for spring classes at HCC. I am praying i am not too late registering and that TGH will cover most of my tuition. ::fingers crossed:: Thanksgiving is less than a week away, uhg. Holidays with my relatives are not the most joyous thing in the world. There is always some drama with someone. It's more of a dreaded time for me than a joyful one. I would rather kyle and i just have a dinner with my mom and dad and sister and then his parents and sister after that, instead of going to my grandparents and dealing with the drama of each family member. Geez. I suppose all i can do is smile and get through it. I am, however, very thankful for all that i have. Despite my feelings for the thanksgiving festivities in my family, i haven't lost sight of the true meaning of the Thanksgiving holiday. I have a great family. I am blessed with surprisingly good health, a job, an amzing boyfriend, awesome friends, a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear, and many other things. I am also thankful to live in the greatest country on earth. I am thankful for freedom, and those who fight for that freedom. I can't believ how quickly this year has come and gone. It will be Christmas soon. Well, i suppose that is enough for now. Happy early Thanksgiving!

Hide & Seek

A friend of mine recently found out that her dad is leaving her mom because he met another woman. She was devastated. Her parents have been married 23 years and seemed to be so in love. My friend turned me onto this song by Imogen Heap called, "Hide & Seek". The lyrics didnt make sense to me at first, so i listened to it a few more times and i think i get it. This is a pretty credible interpretation of the lyrics that I found. Just sorry I couldn't figure it out, it seems obvious now. Trains and sewing machines threw me off. She is clever! Interpretation in parenthesis:

where are we? What the hell is going on?... Dust has only just begun to fall, (a big fight recently happened between wife and husband and the dust is just settling and she has no idea of whats coming next) crop circles in the carpet sinking, feeling... Spin me around again and rub my eyes this can't be happening... (she just came home and the devastating realization hits so very hard; some furniture is gone (carpet crop circles), and unable to accept being left, the world is falling apart) when busy streets amess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy (if the whole world felt what she felt, this is what it might look like. Everything, everybody stops to hold their heads heavy because, nothing else matters. It looks as if all that is precious is lost and things will never be the same again...) hide and seek (the "game" of finding love, seeking and hoping to find it) trains and sewing machines (the trains of a wedding dress and the work it takes to make the dress and as well, a marriage) all those years, they were here first.. (the breakup is happening, but our marriage, our time together happened too. It was here first before the other, and it was real and it meant something.) oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before... (the place where pictures and happy memories hung before, but no longer. The absents of the pictures are as painfull as if they were still hung... The poor womans life is now a sad and lonely void) the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life. (the takeover meaning being pushed aside by the other? The harsh cold and gray of loneliness after having known love and the loss of it.) hide and seek trains and sewing machines ...Oh, won't catch me around here... (i'll not play the "game" of finding love... I will never marry again.....) (and this is why... Her past experience was so brutally painful and damaging (can't forget, can't heal??)) blood and tears.... They were here first ohm, what'd you say, mmm, that you only meant well? Well of course you did (meant well? Doesn't meaning well mean trying to fix it. We vowed to each other for better or worse.) ohm, what'd you say, mmm, that it's all for the best 'cause it is (for the best? You're just going to throw it all away?) ohm, what'd you say, mmm, that it's just what we need...You decided this? (.... You decided this? Shouldn't we talk and both decide?? Ohm, what'd you say, mmm, what did she say? (the third party... The reason all this happened) ransom notes keep falling out your mouth (love being held hostage, dangled in front with hollow words and no intention of trying to go back to what we had) mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs speak no feeling, no I don't believe you you can bet you don't care a bit... (saying things, words you know I want to hear but no feeling in them ... I know you don't care anymore. I don't believe you) ransom notes keep falling out your mouth mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs speak no feeling, no I don't believe you... You don't care a bit you don't care a bit you don't care a bit you don't care a bit .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cpSv2mNhhc

going through the motions

wow, so it's been a while since i have blogged on here. not much is new. im not in school this semester, just working and nannying. i picked up a new nanny job every wednesday before i go to work. that will keep me busy but it's extra income that i wont turn down. lol i have decided to work night shift (7p-7a) at the hospital starting in december and i will probably go back to school in jan. i am excited about working nights! night shift is just more mellow and the people i will be working with are pretty amazing. i don't sleep much at night anyhow, so i might as well be getting paid to be up. i'll be working 12hr shifts so i wont have to work as many days a week. hopefully, this will work with school. as much as i dont want to go to school, i think it will be good for me. all the nurses say i will make a great nurse, so i will have to put my hate for school aside and just deal with it. i'm off today so i can just relax and rest up for a busy weekend at work. well, thats all for now. Ciao!

Fear

Tonight, all of a sudden it hit me. Maybe its hormones or something but all at once i felt like my fear and uncertainty of the future hit me like a ton of bricks. After kyle went to bed, i went to take a shower. As i started the water and got in, i felt my eyes fill with tears and my heart drop. I sat under the water and cried quietly and uncontrollably. I felt like i couldn't catch my breath or stop crying no matter how hard i tried. I think all this talk lately of the future has got me overwhelmed and stressed. I'm scared, about many things. Kyle and i will be engaged before the new year, there is talk of planning a wedding. How will we afford a wedding? we want a baby. Can we afford a child? what about a new place to live? Our current lease is up in December and we can't afford much higher than our current rent but we need more space. What about school? An education costs money too. It seems the only thing i am sure of anymore is kyle and i. If he doesn't get his raise by the end of the year, how will we afford a bigger place, and a wedding and a baby?! I have never been one who is all about money. I am just fine with the simple things and i have been raised to work hard for what i want/need. Despite those values, I'm terrified of the future, and of the unknown. Will we be okay? I always try to be the strong one and i usually hide my fears, anxiety, etc. But everyone has a breaking point. I just want someone to hold me and assure me it will all be okay. I don't want to go to kyle with these worries, he has enough on his mind. I know he has the same worries, but i don't want to pile my worries/fears onto him when he has enough to worry about. I love him so very much. I need some guidance, reassurance, advice, something......

Unimaginable

Yesterday at work i went over to the Pedi ICU to help out and as i walked in, they were coding a 1month old baby boy. It was so sad to watch. His lifeless, little body was laying in the isolet and the nurses were doing compressions and getting the code cart. After about 30mins, they stabilized him. They had an echo-tech come and do a ECG on the baby's heart and in the middle of the scan, they baby starts coding again. The echo-tech said he wasn't 100% sure but it looked like the baby didn't have a tricuspid valve. That is an essential part of the heart and I'm unsure how the baby lived a month without any other problems. The baby was originally brought in for a rule-out sepsis diagnosis, so the docs had no idea that the major problem was his little heart. anyhow, after coding him for the second time for about 20mins, they decided to bring in the defibrillator and shock him. i had never seen them shock a person using the defibrillator, and i had to see them shock the baby. His lifeless little body jumped as they shocked him. One of the nurses comes over and asks me to console the family and explain to them whats going on. That was not easy. I sat them down and explained that the doctors were going to try and shock the baby's heart to get it to start beating again. The parents sat outside of the room watching the doctors work on the baby as i tried to keep them calm. The mother was hysterical, the father was watching with bloodshot, teary eyes trying to comfort his wife. The doctor came out to tell the family that if the next shock was unsuccessful that there wasn't much more they could do. I felt my heart jump up into my throat and tears gather in my eyes. Another 10mins passed and that was it; They had called it, the time of death. The mom lost it. As i helped lead them out into the conference room, the nurses started to clean up the room and the baby so the family could come hold him one last time. The nurses worked diligently with tears in their eyes. I stood there in shock. I walked in the room and help the nurse make a bereavement kit for the family. In the kit we give the family a clay footprint of the baby, a lock of hair, the gown the baby was dressed in and a few other things. I felt numb as i picked up the baby's cold, lifeless little leg and pressed his foot to the clay. After the imprint of his little foot was done, i wrapped him up so the family could come in and say their good byes. It was devastating. I went downstairs for my break and just cried. :( i cant imagine being a mother, carrying a baby for 9months, taking your baby home, bringing your baby back to the hospital and then leaving without him/her. That has to be the most terrible feeling in the world. My heart broke for that family.

My latest Etsy purchase

was this cute, fun, handmade bag! i love it! i wish i was talented enough and had the spare time to create cute things like that. Lately, i have been obsessed with HGTV and Better Homes & Gardens magazines. This new obsession caused me to re-arrange my living room this morning. Kyle has yet to see our new living room and will be quite surprised when he comes home tonight. hehe Our apartment is small but works just fine for a first place. Since our lease is up by the end of the year, we are looking for a bigger space. I want at least 2 bedrooms. I would be satisfied with a bigger, newer apartment but what i really want is a house. I want something i can decorate and paint and make my own. With the costs of renting an apartment so high, it almost seems more reasonable to buy a house. So we are looking around to try and find something we like and that stays within our budget. Let the search begin! Well, thats all for now. Until my next blog, Ciao!

Life's Lessons

READ IT ALL;; it might just touch your ♥
(just a few things i've learned in my short 22yrs of life)

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be, but eventually i will get there. I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice, lots of practice. I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my mom/grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed it. I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't necessarily biological. I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life. I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control. I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are often taken from you too soon. I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meaning, it loses value when overly used. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.