Fear

Tonight, all of a sudden it hit me. Maybe its hormones or something but all at once i felt like my fear and uncertainty of the future hit me like a ton of bricks. After kyle went to bed, i went to take a shower. As i started the water and got in, i felt my eyes fill with tears and my heart drop. I sat under the water and cried quietly and uncontrollably. I felt like i couldn't catch my breath or stop crying no matter how hard i tried. I think all this talk lately of the future has got me overwhelmed and stressed. I'm scared, about many things. Kyle and i will be engaged before the new year, there is talk of planning a wedding. How will we afford a wedding? we want a baby. Can we afford a child? what about a new place to live? Our current lease is up in December and we can't afford much higher than our current rent but we need more space. What about school? An education costs money too. It seems the only thing i am sure of anymore is kyle and i. If he doesn't get his raise by the end of the year, how will we afford a bigger place, and a wedding and a baby?! I have never been one who is all about money. I am just fine with the simple things and i have been raised to work hard for what i want/need. Despite those values, I'm terrified of the future, and of the unknown. Will we be okay? I always try to be the strong one and i usually hide my fears, anxiety, etc. But everyone has a breaking point. I just want someone to hold me and assure me it will all be okay. I don't want to go to kyle with these worries, he has enough on his mind. I know he has the same worries, but i don't want to pile my worries/fears onto him when he has enough to worry about. I love him so very much. I need some guidance, reassurance, advice, something......

Unimaginable

Yesterday at work i went over to the Pedi ICU to help out and as i walked in, they were coding a 1month old baby boy. It was so sad to watch. His lifeless, little body was laying in the isolet and the nurses were doing compressions and getting the code cart. After about 30mins, they stabilized him. They had an echo-tech come and do a ECG on the baby's heart and in the middle of the scan, they baby starts coding again. The echo-tech said he wasn't 100% sure but it looked like the baby didn't have a tricuspid valve. That is an essential part of the heart and I'm unsure how the baby lived a month without any other problems. The baby was originally brought in for a rule-out sepsis diagnosis, so the docs had no idea that the major problem was his little heart. anyhow, after coding him for the second time for about 20mins, they decided to bring in the defibrillator and shock him. i had never seen them shock a person using the defibrillator, and i had to see them shock the baby. His lifeless little body jumped as they shocked him. One of the nurses comes over and asks me to console the family and explain to them whats going on. That was not easy. I sat them down and explained that the doctors were going to try and shock the baby's heart to get it to start beating again. The parents sat outside of the room watching the doctors work on the baby as i tried to keep them calm. The mother was hysterical, the father was watching with bloodshot, teary eyes trying to comfort his wife. The doctor came out to tell the family that if the next shock was unsuccessful that there wasn't much more they could do. I felt my heart jump up into my throat and tears gather in my eyes. Another 10mins passed and that was it; They had called it, the time of death. The mom lost it. As i helped lead them out into the conference room, the nurses started to clean up the room and the baby so the family could come hold him one last time. The nurses worked diligently with tears in their eyes. I stood there in shock. I walked in the room and help the nurse make a bereavement kit for the family. In the kit we give the family a clay footprint of the baby, a lock of hair, the gown the baby was dressed in and a few other things. I felt numb as i picked up the baby's cold, lifeless little leg and pressed his foot to the clay. After the imprint of his little foot was done, i wrapped him up so the family could come in and say their good byes. It was devastating. I went downstairs for my break and just cried. :( i cant imagine being a mother, carrying a baby for 9months, taking your baby home, bringing your baby back to the hospital and then leaving without him/her. That has to be the most terrible feeling in the world. My heart broke for that family.