Time for an update

Wow!! it has been a few months since i posted anything on here. Let's see, a few new developments in my mediocre life....i purchased my wedding dress from David's Bridal back in January. It is BEAUTiFUL! I go in to pick it up next month. I also chose and booked a wedding venue and it to is gorgeous! check it out: http://twenty-eighttwelve.com. It is about $2,500 and it includes a wedding and reception site, tables, chairs, linens, a bridal suite, beautiful grounds for photography, and more! It is a good price for all it includes. I also have a dj, thanks to my cousin, Rich. He is awesome and will do it for almost nothing. I have picked my bridal party and am working on choosing their attire for the big day. The guest list is a struggle at the moment because we have a budget and can only afford around 100 people. That to me is still a lot of people but becuz Kyle thinks he knows everyone, he thinks he can invite everyone and their brother, mother, sister, etc. Sorry babe, ain't gunna happen. I am trying to get him to understand that a wedding is something you should share with those closest to you, mostly family. Their are plenty of friends of mine that i would like to have at my wedding but i am having to invite mostly family. We are trying to compromise and possibly have a post-wedding celebration with just our friends that didn't get to attend the wedding. After we finalize the guest list, we will decide on a caterer. Whew! No one said planning a wedding was easy. I am enjoying it though. On another note, work is the same, i still love night shift. The only thing that is really bothering me at this point is the fact that I work with so many bitchy old(er) women who act like middle school brats. There is so much drama their lately and everyone is out to get somebody in trouble. It's getting harder for me to bite my tongue. I just wanna yell, "grow up you miserable bitches." It amazes me that these women have to go straight to management if they have an issue with someone instead of simply approaching the person they have an issue with first and attempting to handle the problem like adults. Anyways, don't get me started on that, or we will be here all day. LOL Spring break is next week so no class, woo-hoo! Well, i suppose that isnt much of an update but i am going to make some lunch and get a few things done around the house so i can rest before work tonight. Ciao!

End of the year excitment!

Well, a lot has happened since my last post. Let's see, I registered for classes this spring, so i will be going back to school Jan 11th. Christmas is over (thank God!), so thats a little less stress. Umm, what else...ohhh, I'm ENGAGED!!! :) Kyle proposed on Christmas eve and we are starting the wedding plans! We are planning for a fall wedding. We decided on a date: November 11, 2011. We are so excited! The ring is beautiful. See:

Mom took the big news better than i expected. She even shed a few tears. Kyle folks couldn't be happier. We told them the news and right after that, they asked when they would have grandbabies! LOL I told them if it were up to me, we would already have them, but we have to make a few changes in our lives before we bring a new lil' one into our lives. We can't wait for all the excitement ahead though. Even though the wedding is nearly two years away, the time will go by quicker than we think. Let the stress of the wedding planning begin! Well, i have to get to bed soon since i am scheduled to work tomorrow. I'll try to keep this blog updated more. Good night for now!

It's been a while...

So it has been almost a month since my last post. Life is about the same, I'd say. Work is the same, except for the fact that starting in December, i will be working night shift at work on my scheduled weekends. yay! night shift is soo much better than the evening shift i work now. the people are better and willing to help out more. i am not as tired during nightshift as i am working 3-11. it just seems to work better for me this way. kyle started a new job tonight working security at Taiga on the wknds. We wont see eachother much but we need the money and what else is new?! lol I am going on Monday to (hopefully) register for spring classes at HCC. I am praying i am not too late registering and that TGH will cover most of my tuition. ::fingers crossed:: Thanksgiving is less than a week away, uhg. Holidays with my relatives are not the most joyous thing in the world. There is always some drama with someone. It's more of a dreaded time for me than a joyful one. I would rather kyle and i just have a dinner with my mom and dad and sister and then his parents and sister after that, instead of going to my grandparents and dealing with the drama of each family member. Geez. I suppose all i can do is smile and get through it. I am, however, very thankful for all that i have. Despite my feelings for the thanksgiving festivities in my family, i haven't lost sight of the true meaning of the Thanksgiving holiday. I have a great family. I am blessed with surprisingly good health, a job, an amzing boyfriend, awesome friends, a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear, and many other things. I am also thankful to live in the greatest country on earth. I am thankful for freedom, and those who fight for that freedom. I can't believ how quickly this year has come and gone. It will be Christmas soon. Well, i suppose that is enough for now. Happy early Thanksgiving!

Hide & Seek

A friend of mine recently found out that her dad is leaving her mom because he met another woman. She was devastated. Her parents have been married 23 years and seemed to be so in love. My friend turned me onto this song by Imogen Heap called, "Hide & Seek". The lyrics didnt make sense to me at first, so i listened to it a few more times and i think i get it. This is a pretty credible interpretation of the lyrics that I found. Just sorry I couldn't figure it out, it seems obvious now. Trains and sewing machines threw me off. She is clever! Interpretation in parenthesis:

where are we? What the hell is going on?... Dust has only just begun to fall, (a big fight recently happened between wife and husband and the dust is just settling and she has no idea of whats coming next) crop circles in the carpet sinking, feeling... Spin me around again and rub my eyes this can't be happening... (she just came home and the devastating realization hits so very hard; some furniture is gone (carpet crop circles), and unable to accept being left, the world is falling apart) when busy streets amess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy (if the whole world felt what she felt, this is what it might look like. Everything, everybody stops to hold their heads heavy because, nothing else matters. It looks as if all that is precious is lost and things will never be the same again...) hide and seek (the "game" of finding love, seeking and hoping to find it) trains and sewing machines (the trains of a wedding dress and the work it takes to make the dress and as well, a marriage) all those years, they were here first.. (the breakup is happening, but our marriage, our time together happened too. It was here first before the other, and it was real and it meant something.) oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before... (the place where pictures and happy memories hung before, but no longer. The absents of the pictures are as painfull as if they were still hung... The poor womans life is now a sad and lonely void) the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life. (the takeover meaning being pushed aside by the other? The harsh cold and gray of loneliness after having known love and the loss of it.) hide and seek trains and sewing machines ...Oh, won't catch me around here... (i'll not play the "game" of finding love... I will never marry again.....) (and this is why... Her past experience was so brutally painful and damaging (can't forget, can't heal??)) blood and tears.... They were here first ohm, what'd you say, mmm, that you only meant well? Well of course you did (meant well? Doesn't meaning well mean trying to fix it. We vowed to each other for better or worse.) ohm, what'd you say, mmm, that it's all for the best 'cause it is (for the best? You're just going to throw it all away?) ohm, what'd you say, mmm, that it's just what we need...You decided this? (.... You decided this? Shouldn't we talk and both decide?? Ohm, what'd you say, mmm, what did she say? (the third party... The reason all this happened) ransom notes keep falling out your mouth (love being held hostage, dangled in front with hollow words and no intention of trying to go back to what we had) mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs speak no feeling, no I don't believe you you can bet you don't care a bit... (saying things, words you know I want to hear but no feeling in them ... I know you don't care anymore. I don't believe you) ransom notes keep falling out your mouth mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs speak no feeling, no I don't believe you... You don't care a bit you don't care a bit you don't care a bit you don't care a bit .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cpSv2mNhhc

going through the motions

wow, so it's been a while since i have blogged on here. not much is new. im not in school this semester, just working and nannying. i picked up a new nanny job every wednesday before i go to work. that will keep me busy but it's extra income that i wont turn down. lol i have decided to work night shift (7p-7a) at the hospital starting in december and i will probably go back to school in jan. i am excited about working nights! night shift is just more mellow and the people i will be working with are pretty amazing. i don't sleep much at night anyhow, so i might as well be getting paid to be up. i'll be working 12hr shifts so i wont have to work as many days a week. hopefully, this will work with school. as much as i dont want to go to school, i think it will be good for me. all the nurses say i will make a great nurse, so i will have to put my hate for school aside and just deal with it. i'm off today so i can just relax and rest up for a busy weekend at work. well, thats all for now. Ciao!

Fear

Tonight, all of a sudden it hit me. Maybe its hormones or something but all at once i felt like my fear and uncertainty of the future hit me like a ton of bricks. After kyle went to bed, i went to take a shower. As i started the water and got in, i felt my eyes fill with tears and my heart drop. I sat under the water and cried quietly and uncontrollably. I felt like i couldn't catch my breath or stop crying no matter how hard i tried. I think all this talk lately of the future has got me overwhelmed and stressed. I'm scared, about many things. Kyle and i will be engaged before the new year, there is talk of planning a wedding. How will we afford a wedding? we want a baby. Can we afford a child? what about a new place to live? Our current lease is up in December and we can't afford much higher than our current rent but we need more space. What about school? An education costs money too. It seems the only thing i am sure of anymore is kyle and i. If he doesn't get his raise by the end of the year, how will we afford a bigger place, and a wedding and a baby?! I have never been one who is all about money. I am just fine with the simple things and i have been raised to work hard for what i want/need. Despite those values, I'm terrified of the future, and of the unknown. Will we be okay? I always try to be the strong one and i usually hide my fears, anxiety, etc. But everyone has a breaking point. I just want someone to hold me and assure me it will all be okay. I don't want to go to kyle with these worries, he has enough on his mind. I know he has the same worries, but i don't want to pile my worries/fears onto him when he has enough to worry about. I love him so very much. I need some guidance, reassurance, advice, something......

Unimaginable

Yesterday at work i went over to the Pedi ICU to help out and as i walked in, they were coding a 1month old baby boy. It was so sad to watch. His lifeless, little body was laying in the isolet and the nurses were doing compressions and getting the code cart. After about 30mins, they stabilized him. They had an echo-tech come and do a ECG on the baby's heart and in the middle of the scan, they baby starts coding again. The echo-tech said he wasn't 100% sure but it looked like the baby didn't have a tricuspid valve. That is an essential part of the heart and I'm unsure how the baby lived a month without any other problems. The baby was originally brought in for a rule-out sepsis diagnosis, so the docs had no idea that the major problem was his little heart. anyhow, after coding him for the second time for about 20mins, they decided to bring in the defibrillator and shock him. i had never seen them shock a person using the defibrillator, and i had to see them shock the baby. His lifeless little body jumped as they shocked him. One of the nurses comes over and asks me to console the family and explain to them whats going on. That was not easy. I sat them down and explained that the doctors were going to try and shock the baby's heart to get it to start beating again. The parents sat outside of the room watching the doctors work on the baby as i tried to keep them calm. The mother was hysterical, the father was watching with bloodshot, teary eyes trying to comfort his wife. The doctor came out to tell the family that if the next shock was unsuccessful that there wasn't much more they could do. I felt my heart jump up into my throat and tears gather in my eyes. Another 10mins passed and that was it; They had called it, the time of death. The mom lost it. As i helped lead them out into the conference room, the nurses started to clean up the room and the baby so the family could come hold him one last time. The nurses worked diligently with tears in their eyes. I stood there in shock. I walked in the room and help the nurse make a bereavement kit for the family. In the kit we give the family a clay footprint of the baby, a lock of hair, the gown the baby was dressed in and a few other things. I felt numb as i picked up the baby's cold, lifeless little leg and pressed his foot to the clay. After the imprint of his little foot was done, i wrapped him up so the family could come in and say their good byes. It was devastating. I went downstairs for my break and just cried. :( i cant imagine being a mother, carrying a baby for 9months, taking your baby home, bringing your baby back to the hospital and then leaving without him/her. That has to be the most terrible feeling in the world. My heart broke for that family.